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	�owyn�s Pointless Parody Compiled by Ringnut_at_Heart Edited by Aragorn Elissar & TheLadyGreenLeaf This post was contributed by Lady �owyn Narrator- Once upon a time, there was a little Hobbit. His name was Frodo, and... Frodo- Hey! What kind of a name is that? I go and save Middle-earth from slavery and I get a name like - Narrator- Shut up and get backstage! You're ruining the whole story! YOU SHALL NOT PASS the stage until your cue. Frodo- Oh, whatever. (with a few grumbles, goes backstage) Narrator- ANYway... His name was Frodo, and he had a dear uncle named Bilbo... and he had a dear uncle named Bilbo... (waits a few more seconds) AND HE HAD A DEAR UNCLE NAMED BILBO...! (Bilbo appears) Bilbo- Apologies all around. Narrator- Bilbo! That's not marijuana, is it??? Bilbo- Why, goodness me, what on Middle-earth...? What is marijuana? Whatever it is, no, my good lad, this is nicotiana, which was first planted by Old Tobey... Narrator- (in a whisper) You're stealing Merry's lines! Bilbo- Oh dear, I'm terribly sorry. Narrator- Put out that pipe! You're not setting a good example. There are kids in this theatre! Bilbo- I can't! It's mine... Narrator- Oh, cut that out! You're jumping ahead! Give me that stupid pipe and say your lines! (attempts to grab Bilbo's pipe... Bilbo jumps back and his eyes glaze over) Bilbo- Why shouldn't I keep it? I don't feel like parting with it! It's mine! Narrator- Oh, I've had enough! (wrenches the pipe from Bilbo's hand and flings it over his shoulder) (Bilbo does that freaky eye thing, and then breaks down and sobs) Bilbo-I'm sorry, my lad! I'm sorry for everything...! Narrator- Umm... ahh... (Stage Crew Girl jumps onstage and grabs a mike) Stage Crew Girl- We interrupt this performance to, ah, announce a bulletin. (audience murmurs) Stage Crew Girl- Um, ah, we would like to announce that we'd rather you go see the real movie "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring," as we are unable to continue... continue the performance? (looks uneasy) Stage Manager- Boooo! Audience- Booo! (tomatoes are suddenly produced from out of nowhere, and are thrown at the Stage Crew Girl, Bilbo, and the Narrator) (Farmer Maggot appears, waving his pitchfork) Farmer Maggot- Ahhh! What's this! My tomatoes, eh? You've all been in my vegetable patch! (Merry and Pippin are slinking away; Pippin grabs a few tomatoes and whispers to Merry that they'll be good for roasting later with sausages and nice crispy bacon) (Frodo appears out of nowhere) Frodo- (murmuring)Chaos! People arguing! This must be my cue for the Council of Elrond! (aloud) I will take it! I will take the Ring! (audience is silenced, and millions of eyes focus on Frodo) Member of the Audience- Ring? What Ring? We don't know about a Ring! Narrator- Oh yes, that's right. Back to the play. (Stage Crew Girl cleans up tomatoes while the Narrator continues... Bilbo has calmed down and can now focus without a pipe) Narrator- ...and he had a dear uncle named Bilbo. This post was contributed by Registered_User Bilbo- Tee hee hee! That's ME! (Cue the band. A very hoppy tune begins to play.) Bilbo (singing)- I'm BILBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...doo-doo-doo... BAGGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS--- Drunk guy from audience- MOTHER OF GAWD! Stop! STOP! wigs out. I thought this I had bought tickets to Jesus Christ Superstar! Audience- Sit down! We'll never know how the Fellowship forms, or how Gandalph dies or anything if you don't shut up! Frodo (comes out with piece of paper)- I regret to announce to you all that due to contractual and legal problems our dear friend, Tom Bombadil, will not be appearing tonight. (Silence.) Frodo- So it's best if you just forget he was ever in the books, yo. Drunk female audience member- shakes Fr-Frodoooo...don't you remember me? I-I'm Goldberry. Frodo(exasperated look)- A random gun shot is heard off in the distance. Frodo(muttering)- All I need is one more problem... Gandalf- Er-can I have a word? Frodo(walks to the side of the stage with Gandalf; the audience looks on amazed as Bilbo completes a sassy rendition of "I Feel Pretty".) Narrator- And..um... after Bilbo was done singing his song, it was time of for his eleventy-first birthday party! (Scattered applause. Everything seems to go alright until Act II...) Frodo- Boo-hoo! I must bear this evil ring! Aragorn, Borimor, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Legolas & Gimli- Yes, you must. Sam- Let's ask Queen Gladriel what she thinks! (Curtains draw and open to new Lothlorien set. The characters are still in their same positions and have the same facial expressions.) Galadriel(in a smoker's voice, coughs)- Welcome, Frodo Baggins of the Shire. I know why you come. You :: cough :: are a :: cough :: ring-bearer like I am. You know what, excuse me. (Puffs on inhaler.) Arwen- OoOoOh! Look at the perty colors! Galadriel(irritated)- Go away you wasted, stupid grandchild of mine! And refer back to that book I bought you on speaking clearly. Anyways... Oh yeah... Frodo, :: hacking cough, phlegm :: OH MERCIFUL LUTHIEN! AGGGH! crumbles on floor, (audience claps) NO, THIS IS NOT A JOKE! The Fellowship exchanges confused glances; the audience cracks up, applause. Galadriel- I'm going into labor! My water just broke! (Legolas faints.) Gimli(rolls up sleeves calmly)- Right. I'm a qualified mid-wife, don't you worry! Now--I'll need some towels, hot water, and a knife. (re-thinks) the last bit To hell with it. I'll just use the axe. Galadriel- groans. Galadriel- I haven't done this for thousands and thousands of years! I should have thought twice before I let Celeborn... I mean, the guy is older than me for Christ's sake! I never thought he still had the-- (Bilbo walks enthusiastically on stage.) Bilbo- I'll entertain everyone while you work! This post was contributed by Uinen13 (Bilbo proceeds to dance around the stage like one of those elves he hung out w/on his "adventure") (The audience stares at him, wondering if there was a REASON he never got married) Galadriel is moaning on stage, muttering about how she couldn't possibly be young enough to give birth. For the Undying Land's sake, she's over 3,000 years old! Gimli peers up into the cavern beyond Galadriel's legs. He sees nothing yet, but realizes she is dilated about 9 inches, and will be popping this elf-baby out very soon. Legolas is still on the floor, now beginning to stir and murmur something about his hair being kinky. Frodo wanders onstage, dazed from his "non-marijuana" experience, and wonders why on earth Legolas is in Galadriel's dress with Gimli looking up it, and decides, well, it was going to happen sooner or later, I mean, they DID get to be awfully good friends during the Fellowship... This post was contributed by Beregond ...As Frodo still looks around he suddenly sees a set of pale eyes staring, and hears a very soft hiss. He runs back to the rest of the people, who are still over Galadriel Frodo: There is something there! Aragorn: No, beep, Frodo! What do you think we've been doing here? Frodo: No, not the baby! Out there! (shows the eyes) Aragorn: Oh, that! That's Gollum. He's been watching us for some time now... He hates and loves the Ring as he hates and loves himself. And he hates Bilbo Baggins and all Bagginses along with him. Frodo: Why? Aragorn: Your uncle owes him twenty bucks. Frodo: Oh! (looks back) It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him while he had the chance. Aragorn: Yeah, too bad... Suddenly Galadriel starts mumbling again: Galadriel: The world has changed. I feel it in the water... Aragorn: What? Gimli, what kind of medication did you give her? Gimli: Some of the Hobbit's weed. Maybe I overdid it... Aragorn: Great! Haldir! (Haldir comes out of nowhere) Help your queen out here, will you? Haldir: Hey, dude, I don't know about that stuff. I'm just the Elf who dies just to show how bad a battle is... Aragorn: (stares at him) Nevermind. Hey, it's out! This little Elf is a girl Legolas: Gee, that brings back memories from the Elven kindergarten... Aragorn: Anyway, we've done this, let's continue our journey... Suddenly, out of nowhere comes out Eowyn being chased by a very eager Wormtongue (Benny Hill music playing). Everybody looks at them until they get out of sight. Sam: Say, what was that...? Aragorn (already frustrated by Galadriel): I wouldn't care less! Perhaps will get to see them later on. Now all of you! Move it! I won't become a king and live happily ever after if you just stand there! This post was contributed by Lady Eowyn Stage Crew Girl runs out onstage, waving a mike around Stage Crew Girl: Hi! It's me! Again... Aragorn: Just what I need� an interruption! Member of the Audience: Dang it! We've all run of ter-mah-ters! (groans all around) Pippin (rather perkily... ): I've got some nice crispy bacon! Stage Crew Girl: No! Don't! I'm Jewish and I gotta stay kosher! note to any Jewish ppl... this was not meant to mock you and your laws!!! Please do not take offense!) Another Member of the Audience: Aww, heck. We'll find something else. Butterbur: Hey, mebbe I can help! Hi, Nob! Where are you, you wolly-footed slowcoach? (Nob trots out onstage) Nob: �Holaaaa, amigos! �Com� est�n Uds.? Butterbur: Gee, awful sorry about this, folks. Nob's takin' up some language... Spanglish, I believe it is. Hey Nob, get some carrots! Yet Another Member of the Audience: Carrots! That's it! All we gotta do is put some wings on 'em and then fly 'em on stage! (Audience rises as one and cheers) Stage Crew Girl: Get thee gone! (shoves Butterbur and Nob into the orchestra pit) Conductor: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lookit you've done now, lassie! Stage Crew Girl: ANYway... We interrupt this performance with a brief bulletin and an apology. Still Another Member of the Audience: Yah?! An apology! What fer? Little Old Lady Member of the Audience: Shaddup afore ya feel this on ye head! (waves an umbrella around) Aragorn: You be still before you feel this! (draws out the hilt of Narsil; the shards come ringing out from his sheath) Never mind. Go on. (mutters) Stupid Elven smiths� Stage Crew Girl: We'd like to apologize for the MAJOR goof-up our cast has made, as it seems they skipped entirely over Bree, Weathertop, Rivendell, and the Mines of Moria! Aragorn: Dangit! Can't we just skip over all that stuff and let Gandalf live? I've got places to plunder, people to kill, things to mess up... (starts singing) And I just can't WAIT to be king... so I can marry Arwen! Galadriel: Not without her gramma's permission you don't! Cut the Lion King music, will ya? Aragorn: I already asked the papa. He said I gotta win me the throne of Gandor. Boromir: What throne? Gondor has no king! Gondor needs no king! And it's GONDOR, not Gandor, you stupid fool! Aragorn: Stupid fool? Excuse me? I'm more well-learned in lore than you! I've got more of the blood of N�menor flowing in my veins than you do! And I'M A BETTAH FIGHTAH! (they draw swords with a dramatic flourish) Boromir: Have at thee, thou blaggard! (they fight) Arwen: Oh, Aragorn, Aragorn, wherefore art thou, Aragorn? Tis but- Galadriel: Awww, lookit my little Elf-girl! What should I call her? (the swordfight ends when Aragorn impales Boromir's foot) Boromir: hopping around on one foot Ouchie-wa-wa! That hoit! That hoit! Galadriel: Shut up, doomed Man! I'm the Queen of the Elves; all hail my voice! Everyone Hail! (golf ball-sized ice cubes start raining down) Aragorn: He's trying to bring down the mountain! Gandalf, we must go back! Galadriel: This play is just messed up! I'm outta here! ( gets up and picks up her Elf-daughter) Gimli: Hold on there, o beauteous creature! Two things. One, you're not supposed to walk yet! You've just been in labor! You have to rest for a while! Galadriel: Wanna bet? I'm an Elf... the Queen of the Elves, in fact. I can do whatever I want. Gimli: Oh yes, that's right. Galadriel: You better belive it. Gimli: Oh, secondly... (drops to his knees) May I please have but a lock of your golden tresses, o fairest creature? Celeborn: Heyy! Don't go messing with my Queen! Galadriel, you don't mean to say your wandering eye has fixed itself on... on... on THIS...! Galadriel: Oh, no, of course not, honey... darling... Celeborn: I find myself questioning the father of that child you carry! Galadriel: It's an Elf! 100% organic, I swear! (Celeborn inspects the baby, then reluctantly agrees that the girl is 100% organic Elf) Celeborn: Still... I do not enjoy pondering the idea of my Queen with a Dwarf! I would cut off your head, Dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground. Legolas: You would die before your stroke fell! Stage Crew Girl: Okay folks, we are going waaayyy ahead. Let's cut back to Bree, shall we? (Stage Crew moves the set around so that the stage is now Bree) Legolas: Whoa, I'm outta here. Celeborn: You better believe it! Not only do we not belong in this scene, but... (Legolas dashes offstage, with Celeborn running after him with an unsheathed knife) Bilbo, Aragorn, Gimi, Galadriel, Elf-baby, and all the others who aren't in the Bree scenes: Bye folks! See y'all later, alligator! (Butterbur and Nob climb wearily out from the orchestra pit) Butterbur: (panting and wheezing from unanticipated exercise because of the brawl he has just experienced in the orchestra pit... he's been beaten with violins and drumsticks and the like, after all! ) Good evening, little masters. (pant pant) If you're seeking accommodation, we've got some (wheeze wheeze) nice cozy, Hobbit-sized rooms available... Mr... er... This post was contributed by Uinen13 Frodo: Overvalley. My name's Overvalley. Stage girl: WHAT??? WHY CAN'T YOU LEARN YOUR LINES??? Frodo: Uhh....Sorry. My name's Undermound. No wait, Overhill. Or was it Undermountain? Stage girl: COME ON!!! It's UNDERHILL. Your name's UNDERHILL. Frodo: Oh yah. Sorry. The Halfheimer's disease is kicking in...you how I'm a few days past 50...age is finally catching up with me. Anyway, my name's Underhill. Butterbur looks confuzzled, and tries to go on with the play. But Merry and Pippin are too busy checking over those carrots they broke. Merry shouts.... This post was contributed by Beregond Merry: Food fight! That did it. Everybody, on stage, the audience, the orchestra are throwing each other all sorts of stuff (not only carrots). In all this commotion, Frodo ducks under a table. There's another Man there. Aragorn: You better do something, quick, before your pals destroy the whole play! (Frodo sits up on a table and starts making all sorts of dumb jokes. Now everybody directs his ammunition at him. Finally Frodo slips on a banana peel and as he falls down the Ring slips on his finger. Everybody is astonished) Audience Member1: Dude, the play is improving! Audience Member2: Yeah, and like, you saw the disappearing act? They have outdone themselves in the special effects. Audience Member3: Oh, I don't know, maybe they went a little overboard... Stage Girl: (her voice getting hoarse, and she is getting bigger) YOU THERE! DO NOT TAKE ME FOR A SWEET GIRL WHO WILL STAND YOUR BABBLING! (sweet voice again) Thank you! (At Frodo) You can reappear now. (Frodo reappears) Butterbur: Right, nice job there, Mr Underhill. You owe me now 10,000 bucks for destroying my nice pub. Aragorn: (to Frodo) I'll take care of this. I will pay for everything. I have 5,000 Numenorean credits (waves hand) but they will do fine. Butterbur: No, they won't. Aragorn: (waves hand again) Credits will be fine. Butterbur: No they won't. Stage Girl: Will you cut the crap and get on with it? Just give him the darn rooms! (Butterbur shrugs his shoulders, and gives Aragorn and the Hobbits their rooms) This post was contributed by piccolobond The hobbits have met up with strider in Bree.Strider has switched the rooms. Merry:Uh?Didnt you like the other room? Strider:No.The wringwraiths have come. Pippin:How do you know? Strider:The script- Narrator cuts in Narrator:Er,I think thats enough.Ah,its my turn.Lets see-yes. Screams echo throughout the building as the Nazg�l arrive. Audience who haven't read the books:Who?Who are they? Audience who have:Quiet!We're still greiving over the dissaperance of Tom Bombadil! (A distant nose-blowing sounds) If they leave out Glorfindel like in the movie,we're off! Sam:Frodo-these quilts are nice and warm....care to join me? Frodo: (Disturbed look at Sam) That wasnt in the script Sam:Oh,of course it wasnt! (blushing madly) Silence fills the room. Drunken audience member:Moon,over Miami!Hey,Frodo,wheres that beard-lalalal!allal! (Stage crew members appear to wrestle him down) Stage Crew:sorry for the inconvineince. Drunken audience member:geroff!The FBI and the Aliens couldnt keep me,neither will you! gunshot sounds. Peter Jackson:Even this is worse than my movie,mate! Mark Ordskey:Don't we know!The moneys draining out-another Disney rip-off should get the juices flowing! Sreams once more blast from the speakers. Strider:This place is no-longer safe. We make for Weathertop. Sam:Me and me warm quilts ain't good enough for him, eh?............ Narrator:The Hobbits and Strider venture out of Bree in search of Weathertop,where they make camp before going on to Rivendell. Frodo tries to catch all the sleep he can, but wakes soon after Frodo:The lights!uh?What the...??! long pause Merry:We've got sausages, tomatoes, and nice, cripsy bacon! Sam:We saved some for you, Mr. Frodo. Frodo:Put it out,you fools,put it OUT! Pippin:But, Elijah,the book says fire will be our friend! Frodo:But the film does not! If PJ wants to sink his boat, let him! I get paid hansomely anyways! Peter Jackson:Humph! Narrator:Let's continue, shall we? Narrator:The plagued Nazg�l have returned to hunt Frodo out and seek the ring, and Frodo is injured in the struggle. Strider:No!Frodo! He has been wounded by a morgul blade...aghast! Evil thing. Sam! Come here, I need you to get something for me. Sam:Stay by Frodo's side, and, (blushing more than ever) hold his hand??? Strider:No. You will fetch me a weed. Sam:Uh Kingsmill, that's a weed! Strider: I haven't mentioned Kingsmill! Pippin: You're jumping ahead, fool! Sam: I'll just get it! Frodo: Gandalf! Strider: Delerious with pain, I daresay. Sam! Hurry with that weed! Arwen: What's this? A ranger, caught off his guard? Purists and book-readers:I thought so. We're off! Come on, I'm sure a Warhammer 40,000 competition site lurks close! Narrator: The travellers, along with Arwen have reached Rivendell. Frodo wakes from his unconsciousness. Frodo: What hour is this.......? To be continued.... This is a very long story!